Chapter 30. Power

I suppose I’ve accepted the diminishment of power in my life as I age.  Letting go of the empowerment of work creates a void that in retirement is filled by less important duties.  Having spent a life to make change, do things better, create systems that work has been a privilege afforded by few. I’ve been lucky to do the work I wanted.  To be part of a creative force that could impact people’s lives.

And I suppose I would be comfortable if my own loss of power in retirement was singular.  Mine alone.  But it isn’t.  

It’s apparently what has happened to our country.  In the guise of power and authoritarianism, the United States has become weak, ugly, grasping, and cruel.  It was foreseen and it was outlined specifically in Project 2025, everything from gutting the government to slaughtering wild horses.  True.  Read it.  Slaughtering wild horses.

The new regime is depressing me more than my own life.  I still have a roof over my head.  I still have good health.  I still have a husband.  Friends.  Even two chickens and a little naughty dog.  I eat well.  I live well. My present is good. The future, bleak.

Now I see a once wonderful nation gone terribly astray. I’m ashamed of our new alliances with dictators.  I’m ashamed of our support of the billionaire class while the middle classes struggle to stay afloat.  I’m ashamed of the people who voted for this even though they could clearly see what this man thought and planned.

I’m angry.  Sad.  Horrified and at a loss as to what I can do because there’s simply nothing I can do.  I am powerless.  I have no voice that anyone wants to hear except those in my own echo chamber.  

What makes all this more difficult is that I am a conservative.  I believe in smaller government.  Less spending.  And I understand fully how the national debt grew exponentially in the past twenty-five years.  9/11 added $8 trillion to the debt, Covid added another 3. Trump added another $7.6 trillion, and Biden another $7.9  I understand we spend $2 trillion more than we take in on an annual basis. These figures are, of course, debatable but you get the picture.  It’s needed fixing for a long time and it will take a herculean effort to right it. I thought the Simpson-Bowles commission of 2010 was brilliant. It cut, altered and taxed. It was ignored.

I’m a conservative.  I believe in strong alliances with friends. I believe in NATO. I think the UN is feckless.  I believe in the use of soft power particularly in the nations that will suffer most from climate change and conflict.

I’m a conservative. I believe everyone on this planet is graced with certain rights. Everyone. I believe in the right of the individual to not be overwhelmed by government. I believe in the right to choose, grow, develop, earn and live by one’s own standards.

I’m a conservative.  I believe in the First Amendment. I believe in truth. Apparently, Mr. Trump does not.  The White House will now select the journalists who travel with the President.  He will control what information flows.  And given his propensity for lying, we won’t know the truth.  We won’t know the facts on disease outbreaks or prevention.  We won’t know the truth about the job numbers that are issued the first Monday of each month.  We won’t know the truth about climate change.  Or weather patterns.  We won’t know these things because the private sector relies on the government for baseline information.

I’m a conservative.  I believe in a strong defense.  I believe in the guardrails that inform the behavior of our troops.  Eliminating the military attorneys that helped guide decisions, makes us weaker.  Not stronger.  It gives the Military no option but to blindly obey orders, including Trump’s desire to “shoot protesters in the legs”. 

I’m a conservative. I believe in a strong department of justice.  I believe in oversight.  I believe in checks and balances.

I’m a conservative.  I believe in America.  

This is not the country I know. 

And that leaves me with a despondency like none I have ever known in my life.  When once I felt part of a community, I feel isolated.  Where once I felt powerful, I am impotent.  The only outlet left available to me is to write.