A few years ago, Monkey wrote her autobiography and titled it “I Never Wanted to be a Frickin’ Lapdog”. She published it through Amazon. It wasn’t exactly a best seller but I really thought she did a good job. So, I decided to reprint it here on my blog. I’m sure Monkey appreciates it. Be sure to check the pictures at the end. Monkey selected them especially for this.
I was born into less than optimum circumstances.
Oh, I should clarify. I am a dog. A little dog that weighs about 20 pounds. And I don’t want to be a cute little lapdog. I want to be my natural-born free self. I’m happy to be a dog. I don’t want to be a little person.
As a puppy, I lived with maybe hundreds of dogs. Crying. Yipping. Chewing. Peeing.
I never touched them or played with them. I saw them through the wires of a cage. They were all in cages. Every so often a human would let me out and touch me. I really didn’t like it.
One day, I was introduced to another dog and we played. We had a great time and for the first time in my life, I was having fun. Then, gone. I was returned to a cage. A few months later, I had a puppy. Just one. She didn’t look like me so much. I’m wiry. She was fluffy. I’m standoffish. She was affectionate. I’m smart. She was. Not.
She had a crooked face. Her eyes were strange. One looked up and the other, well, somewhere else. Her underbite showed teeth pointing in all different directions. It didn’t matter to me that she was odd looking. She was mine and we’d curl up together. We licked each other’s ears and comforted each other. She was my friend. My puppy. I vowed I would never leave her. Never.
Because she was young, we stayed in the house. We had blankets and we would crawl under them to snuggle, nap or just be with each other. We’d play tug of war and run away.
Run away went like this: I’d run off and she’d follow me. I taught her to follow me anywhere. The lady in the house would call us and if I didn’t want to come I’d just tell my puppy to pay attention to me. Not the lady.
We spent time in the front yard of the house. It was nice because it was away from the cages but it was still a big cage. I noticed that when the mailman came, the front gate would be left un-latched for a second. I began practicing an escape. When the mailman came in, we’d run to the gate and see if anyone noticed.
They didn’t.
And, so we left.
The streets were awesome. Epic! Amazing! I loved dodging cars, stealing food from trash, finding safe places to sleep. My puppy came along because I told her to. She kept saying, “Let’s go back. I’m scared out here”. I told her freedom was worth fear. Besides, how could she be afraid? She had me to protect her. The outside world was overwhelmingly challenging. Things to chase, smell, eat. Secret places under shrubs and in back alleys.
The free life went on for months until one day we were spotted and trapped by animal control. It was the puppy’s fault. She saw the woman in the uniform and went running up to her, tail wagging and yelling “Hi! Pet me!” I thought about just leaving the puppy, but I couldn’t. She was my own. She was part of me. So, I slowly approached the woman knowing it wouldn’t end well. Puppy jumped into the truck and I, of course, followed her.
The woman took us to a place with cages. We stayed there for a very long time. We huddled in the corner. To tell you the truth, I was scared and all I wanted to do was return to the streets where I’d be free. One day, another woman came and took us in her car and into her house. She and her friends kept talking about a “forever” home.
I didn’t want a real home. What would the people expect of me? Did they think I’d sit in their laps? Lick their faces? Reduce myself to a lapdog? A canine slave to human whims and insecurities? The thought of it disgusted me.
But not my puppy. It was all she talked about and she loved being with the woman even if it wasn’t forever. My puppy sat in her lap! She rolled over on her back. She snuggled into tiny spaces just to be held by the human woman. Did I really give birth to this puppy? What was she thinking? To make matters worse, the woman made us sleep in her bed with her.
I know! Imagine the humiliation. So, I just went under the covers and used the woman’s legs to keep me warm. She thought I was showing affection and put her hand on my back to pet me. I wanted to bite her. I wanted to yell at her and tell her to let me be free! I can take care of myself.
I couldn’t understand how my puppy could find this appealing. I asked her and all she said was that when she was held, a warmth permeated her soul. But what about the challenge of the escape? No, she said. There wasn’t any warmth in that. She loved being enveloped by warmth and love. My puppy was a lapdog. I was disheartened and couldn’t understand.
I loved my puppy so I said nothing more. On weekends the woman would get together with other women and take us to something called an “Adoption Fair”. That’s where insecure humans come to adopt dogs. My puppy and I were in an enclosure together. People would come up and see my puppy and want her. I’d come over and growl and then the woman we lived with said, “Oh, they have to go together. They’re a bonded pair”. So, no one took us because once they met me, they gave up.
But, one day it got so much worse. A woman I had never seen walked up and looked at my puppy. She wagged her tail furiously and jumped up on the wire. The woman petted her and said, “Oh, my, you’re adorable!” I went over, growled, gave her a look and swore at her. The woman heard me swearing and she looked at me and said, “You are a rude little dog with a really nasty attitude and worse language”. I shrugged. Who cares what she thinks? I walked back to where I had been napping. She heard the whole story about the two of us being bonded and she said, “Ok. We’ll take them”.
Now this new woman and her husband already had two gigantic dogs who were truly atrocious. They drooled and had so much fur they couldn’t even see us if we were beneath them. They didn’t walk. They lolly-gagged while their big butts swayed back and forth. They couldn’t even jump into the car. They needed ramps. When they drank water, most of it fell out of their mouths onto their jowls which then dropped halfway to the ground. I could understand why these people needed two more dogs as they must have been terribly disappointed with the giant wastes of good fur they already had.
We arrived at their home a few days later and one of the things I did like was that there was so much space outside. I thought that for sure I could just run off and take the puppy with me. But it was just a bigger cage. A nice one, but still a cage.
They held the puppy and chortled and giggled about what to “name” her. They came up with the lame moniker of ‘Mimi”. “Oh, she’s so delicate and sweet” said new woman in a high squeaky voice. Then she turned her face towards me. “And, you. What should we call you?” she said in a lower tone indicating her disgust for me. “Monkey. That’ll do.” What the hell kind of name is that anyway?
This family was awful. They had chickens. They had the giant stupid black dogs. I can’t even describe how useless these dogs were, so I won’t. I’ll focus on me. They had a little bird who liked to torment everyone. They had friends with dogs. They sometimes invited all their friends with all their dogs to come over. It was crazy. Mimi and I thought new woman had opened a dog shelter.
But at the end of the day, all the people with all their dogs went to their own homes leaving Mimi and me with the dumb black dogs, the chickens and that damn little bird. The new woman spent all of her time with Mimi. They snuggled. Mimi would sit for treats. Mimi would run when new woman called. Mimi waited patiently for a leash to be put on her collar. Know what I did? I sat and glowered at them. If new woman put a leash on me, I’d just back out of the collar.
The situation was fairly intolerable but for the garden. It was filled with glorious odors . . . skunks, raccoons, squirrels, coyote, mice, flowers, chicken poop, dog poop . . . . oh my God, all sorts of poop! There were secret hiding places. Everyone was happy except for me. I only wanted to run away, and I did every chance I got.
New woman kept coming and bringing me back.
One afternoon, she sat next to me and we began to talk. Well, I didn’t say much. She did all the talking. She’s like that. She said she was sorry I couldn’t be free. She understood. But the world wasn’t really ready for the kind of freedom a little strong dog would need. It wasn’t just safety. It was simply that it was too cruel, and the cost of complete freedom would be unbearable loneliness and insecurity. She said if I tried to trust her, she would respect me for the independent dog I am.
I looked deeply into her eyes and I saw she was telling me the truth. I saw she didn’t love me but that she was willing to compromise to live with me. She understood I had to stay because of Mimi.
Somehow, we both changed. I don’t know when it happened, and I guess new woman didn’t either. But we realized we loved each other. Our respect grew to include love. When I looked into her eyes, I saw love. And when I looked at her I felt the warmth Mimi had described. I couldn’t believe that feeling. It was bliss. Suddenly I was responsible not just for Mimi, but the whole family. I began talking to the stupid big dogs, played with the little damn bird and protected the chickens from raccoons. I had a job! I was rewarded with great treats and lots of affection. New woman would call me and I’d come running to her with my tail wagging! Imagine, me with a wagging tail!
Both Mimi and I sat on the new woman’s lap. We snuggled her. We slept with her. We would both be under the covers and when she would touch me, I’d roll over and feel the warmth of her hand gliding over my tummy.
I didn’t think about the streets anymore because I realized how I had found freedom, respect and love. But I still did naughty things and sometimes, so did Mimi.
One morning, the new woman got into her car and didn’t realize that Mimi had gotten out of the house and had crossed the street. As new woman drove off, Mimi ran to catch her. . . . . .
Mimi died the next day. We were all with her. New woman, new man and me. We said goodbye to my sweet puppy. New woman and new man were devastated and so was I. She would never forgive herself for what had happened to Mimi. It was an accident but new woman said that it was her accident to bear.
I knew that I had to fill that hole in her heart. I am her beloved friend.
Me. Monkey.
The Cast of Characters
That Damn Bird
The Big Stupid Dogs
Mimi.
Me. Monkey.
Those ridiculous chickens.
Air. 
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